THAT WAS THE BOX – December 2014 (Week Two)

 

‘BRIAN PERN – A LIFE IN ROCK‘ (BBC 2 – BBC iPlayer)
 

Following on from this year’s hilarious Brian Pern mockumentary, we have this three-part series, where we follow Pern and his former ‘Thotch’ band-mates as they stage a musical based on the band’s career – imaginatively entitled ‘Stowe Boys’, after the public school they attended.
 

Pern, played by Simon Day, is a large dose of Peter Gabriel, with a little bit of Sting thrown in – especially when he introduces us to the latest signing to his World Music label, a bone flautist who turns out to be a criminal. Pern is big-headed, self-serving and delusional and is largely hated by his former bandmates. If the manager wants them to do something, a great motivator is to tell them that Brian will hate it.
 

For a BBC2 show, there are a lot of big name cameos attached to it – Tony Blackburn (hilariously labelled as Nick Grimshaw), Annie Nightingale (Fearne Cotton), playing a young Tony (Nigel Haver’s character) is Jack Whitehall and recent Golden Globe nominated Martin Freeman (look out for the funny Sherlock joke at the end) is playing Pern – complete with his Richard III beard. Kathy Burke is playing the director of the play with Burke’s usual irreverence, and all this just adds to the realism. At times you forget that Thotch never existed, and because so many 80s pop stars have elements to them that are so similar to Pern that it is easy to believe.
 

This is such a funny series. There are nods to ‘Star Stories‘ in places, but I found that hysterical too. One of my comedy highlights of 2014.

 

 

‘POSH PEOPLE – LIFE INSIDE TATLER‘ (BBC 2 – BBC iPlayer)
 

This has been a great series based inside Tatler, the posh person’s OK! Where they actually still run articles about hunting animals, report on parties attended by people with triple barrelled names, and have a strange obsession with Labradors. Apparently Tatler is the world’s most expensive magazine, with a relatively small readership of 160,000 but these people are probably amongst the richest 160,000 in the country.
 

We followed genial editor Kate Reardon as she tried to put together a new issue. Amongst the articles was one where middle-class social climber and new recruit Matthew tried to gatecrash a party held by the Queen by faking an invitation (he failed) and trying to get into a party at The Royal Academy by pretending to be a waiter (he failed). Another writer visited Poundland, which apparently has become something of a guilty secret for the Notting Hill set, and she was amazed by it all, claiming that if everyone knew about it, the place would be rammed. Who is going to break it to her that 96% of the population do know Poundland exists and we go there out of necessity rather than novelty?
 

Comedy moments included, when deciding coverlines for the issue starring Kate Middleton, things such as ‘Trophy Wives’ and ‘Are you a slut?’ kept appearing close to HRH’s face. Managing Director Nicholas Coleridge quickly intervened and insisted the bylines were moved and in no way was it suggested our future queen was some sort of loose woman. Another interesting titbit was that no-one is allowed to print the photograph of David Cameron when he was part of the Bullingdon Club. Theory has it that the Bullingdon has such a bad rep, the PM doesn’t want to be associated with it. Personally I think it is because he is embarrassed by the dreadful mullet he is sporting in it, whilst posing like a member of Duran Duran (yes I have seen it).
 

This week’s final episode focused on the Scottish toffs who own half of Scotland, and were living in fear of a ‘yes’ vote for independence, and the possibility that the poles might try to get their grubby hands on their land. We also met the team behind Russian Tatler, where the editor sounded like Hyacinth Bucket swallowing Alexandr the Meerkat, and rather fascinatingly, we saw a deb-style ball, attended by the daughters of Russian oligarchs – the new rich; and me in my romantic, writer of historical fiction, way got a glimpse of pre-Revolution Russia and what it must have been like for those invited to the Winter Palace to meet the Romanovs. Of course, most of today’s rich Russians come from poor stock and are self-made, but it is their ambition to send their kids to English public schools, so no doubt, just as a hundred and twenty years ago, the nouveau riche Americans encouraged their daughters to marry cash-strapped English dukes and lords, in ten years time, our grand, old stately homes are going to be funded by wealthy Russians, who will have names like Lady Ivenka or whatever –it’s like Lenin never happened.
 

Tatler world is vacuous and as pointless as celeb mags like OK! and Hello, but as someone who is fascinated by the upper classes and has written plenty of books about them, I can understand why people want to read about them. Isn’t it a British disease? To sneer at those we can never be like, whilst secretly envying them?

 

 

‘TOWIE XMAS SPECIAL‘ (ITVBE – ITV Player)
 

Dear producers of ‘TOWIE‘, please stop doing ‘specials’ – they don’t work. ‘The Only Way is Ibiza‘ was like wading through mud, and this (to me) premature Christmas Special was of a similar ilk. For some reason, the gang were heading to Calais for a booze cruise, to stock up for the Bright Christmas Ball (funny, ‘TOWIE‘ has been on for 4 years and I’ve never heard this ball mentioned before), and despite it being a relatively small cross Channel ferry, as opposed to the RMS Titanic, Chloe didn’t notice that Elliott had come along on the trip as well (once again, this was not explained). Jess Wright didn’t join them because she was at home ill, but still able to plaster her face with make-up. Meanwhile, Lockie was illegally felling trees to impress Danielle and her new hairdo, and bonding with Mario who has grown a stupid beard and is back acting as a git. Laughter came when he complained that Jessica, Chloe and Lauren have a combined age of one hundred. Well, seeing as Jessica is 29 and Chloe is 33, does that mean that Lauren is 38? I say nothing.
 

GC came triumphantly back after her 2 days of whining in the jungle (this wasn’t mentioned of course) and already she is starting trouble. Fake making up with Ferne, then ‘throwing her under the bus’ by telling Danielle what Ferne had said about her. What is the point of Gemma? It’s good to have a female baddy and all that, but she is so irritating and drives me as mad as Fran Old Lady Face – who thankfully only made a brief appearance in the show.
 

Chloe and Elliott are still on/off but what was worrying for me was that Elliott ended his call to Lockie, telling him “I Love Ya” in exactly the same tone he uses for Chloe! I do have to say though, that Chloe looks a 100% better since ditching the over the top make up and fillers and things. She is actually very pretty and I don’t know why she did all that to herself in the first place.
 

Another cringeworthy sight was Ricky making some sort of rap record, while producer Mario gave him a thumbs up. I do hope to God that it was for the sake of the cameras because I would take Susan Boyle more seriously as the new Eminem than Ricky Rayment and his stupid beard. He and Mario now have matching facial hair and matching tattoos on their feet that spell their names. Obviously they’ve had to find Maz a new fake best make now that Charlie has left the show (sob).
 

Talking of weird hair, I’m not sure why Bobby is sporting a ‘Hitler’ do and I wish they’d give him more interesting story lines rather than suck drinks through a straw and nod.
 

As I said, ‘TOWIE‘ specials are like Christmas specials of soap operas – they feel forced and unnecessary. No doubt ‘TOWIE‘ will return next month with a new series, and it’s the day-to-day things that happen which provides the drama. But I do think they need to shake it up a bit.

 

 

‘STRICTLY COME DANCING‘ (BBC 1 – BBC iPlayer)
 

It’s Semi-Final week, and how quickly the competition has gone by. It seems like only yesterday my mum was moaning that there were too many contestants and she couldn’t keep up with who was who! Now all we are left with is Caroline, Frankie, Mark, Jake and Simon and the winning post is in sight.
 

Everyone is still reeling from the shock exit of dead-cert Pixie, which is always a given in these programmes (anyone remember Ella Henderson on the ‘X-Factor‘), and right now, there is no clear favourite in the contestants that are left. This week each couple had to do two dances, and the proceedings commenced with the increasingly lacklustre Jake Wood dancing a cha cha cha with Jenette. Unlike his brilliant Charleston last week, this dance just limped along and there are times, Jake looks like an egg with nifty footwork. He does nothing with his head (oo er) and this can be distracting. His follow up dance, a Viennese waltz didn’t do much better, and he ended up with an overall score of 61. If there is any justice in the world, Jake will be out tomorrow.
 

For me, a shoo-in for the final is by far Frankie and Kevin. They are consistently good, and even by doing a rather sappy rhumba, whilst pretending to be clockwork toys, they pulled it off. Their second dance, an Argentine tango, was out of this world and I thought it was worthy of a 40, but she ended up with 38. But overall, their final score was 72 and this should be enough to secure her a place in the final.
 

I am going to say a prayer to Elvis that lovely Mark is in the final next week. He is such a sweetheart, and he has come so far in this competition. His Viennese waltz with Karen was beautiful and scored him 33, and his follow-up dance, a romantic rhumba, which was danced barefoot and seemed to embrace his feminine side, scored 33. He has an overall score of 66 which puts him in the dangerzone, but I can only hope that if he is in the dance-off with Jake, the judges see sense and put Mark through.
 

If there is any justice in the world, Simon and Krystina will be in the final. Like Mark, Simon has come so far. Prior to SCD, all he was known for was the Blue shoulder shrug. Now he is a fantastic ballroom dancer. Apparently he stumbled during his samba, but I can’t say I noticed it, but his Viennese waltz was beautiful and scored him a whopping 38. He isn’t in the danger zone, but mid-table, which can be equally treacherous.
 

Then there is Caroline. Oh Lordy Miss Flack is am-az-ing. She got Craig’s first 10 of the series for her samba and got the first 40 for any dancer this year. She is confident and has fantastic rhythm, and like a method actor, she gets into character for each dance. So much so, afterwards, she often finds it hard to speak because she is still in character. Her Foxtrot didn’t go down so well with the judges, but the score of 35, along with her 40, was enough to put her top of the leaderboard and hopefully out of harm’s way.
 

As I said before, if there is any justice, Jake will go tonight, but I have a horrible feeling it will be Mark.
 

Oh, and Ben Haenow for X-Factor champ!!

 

 

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