THAT WAS THE BOX – July 2014 (Week Two)

‘TOWIE‘ (ITV2 – ITV Player)
 

Well, I’ve been away (i.e. ill with poorly kidneys) for a couple of weeks and it’s all been happening in ‘TOWIE‘. So many exciting things have gone on that I don’t know where to start. I am actually being sarcastic. Most of the time I watch this programme, wondering why I’m wasting my time doing it! Jessica’s still worried that she’s on the shelf because she’s nearly thirty and not living with her boyfriend. Gemma is still causing trouble for Bobby by interfering in his relationship with Harry, and as normal with GC, nothing is ever her fault. Chloe and Fearne still hate each other, and whilst Fearne is supremely annoying, I still don’t see how the Sims can think Charlie is blameless when they split up last year because he was seeing other girls.
 

I can’t help but be drawn into the Arg and Lydia will they/won’t they story line. I do think in Lydia’s head she’s Carrie in ‘Sex and the City‘ and Arg is her Mr Big; but Arg is only Mr Big because he eats and drinks too much and is starting to resemble Mr Darcy the pig. Arg would actually be a nice looking boy if he only found clothes that fitted him and stopped trying to dress like Tom Pearce.
 

Talking of Tom, he is the worst actor in the show. He grins through every line, looking as though he is mortally embarrassed at being there. The money must be good because he’s got a first class honours degree and had a career in the city and now he gurns his way through fake romances with girls who I doubt he even talks to when the cameras stop rolling. His and Grace’s relationship is almost as believable as Lewis and Lauren – desperate for a storyline – Pope.
 

Biggest laugh of the week for me was Lauren’s mate Vas saying that he took his inspiration, fashion-wise from homeless people. Seriously? Is this a joke? Has he never seen ‘Zoolander‘? Second biggest laugh was Gemma and Jessica seeing a psychic who seemed to know so much about them they were amazed. I was amazed too. It’s not as though their lives are played out twice a week on ITV2 is it?
 

Oh and congratulations to Billie Faiers on the birth of her baby girl. That had to be the longest pregnancy in the history of Christendom.
 

And another oh. What is wrong with being called James, in Essex? We have Lockie, Diags and Arg. None of them go by their given name. Weird.

 

‘KIRSTIE ALLSOPP’S FILL YOUR HOUSE FOR FREE‘ (CHANNEL 4 – 4OD)
 

TV’s Uber Girl Guide is showing us how we can convert free furniture into decent pieces we can keep in our home. I have to say the idea of shops where things can be taken away for free, to be done up, is an inspired idea. One of my bug bears is when people dump perfectly okay furniture in the street, and personally I would rather donate it to a charity shop; but if that’s not possible, then upcycling is surely the next best thing?
 

Kirstie, in her own, usual patronising way, helped two couples fill their homes with free stuff and took them to her shop in Glasgow, which is filled with items that have been donated or taken from websites offering free stuff. Hannah and Andy had just moved house and had no money to do it up, so Kirstie and her team set about filling three rooms with renovated free stuff. Anyone who was a fan of ‘Blue Peter‘ would love this. I bet before the series is over, there is the mention of sticky back plastic!
 

When I say Kirstie and her team, it’s most the team; Kirstie just sorts of presides over it all, doing a bit of hammering half heartedly and that’s it. One of her team is Carys, a designer with the most mockney accent I’ve heard since Damon Albarn, who helped a couple called Arfa and Salim to do up their flat. Arfa had a fear of all things second-hand but somehow, by them spray-painting an old BBQ and making it into a light, her mind was changed.
 

These shows do make me laugh. They’re supposed to inspire us. So what happens? A guy called Max made a bespoke desk from an aircraft wing. Yeah, there are always discarded aircraft wings being left outside my local Spar!

 

‘BIG BROTHER‘ (CHANNEL 5 – DEMAND 5)
 

Much as I try, I’ve got sucked into watching BB, so I thought I would give a round-up now we’re at the half way point. Sort of. Not sure when it finishes.
 

They are still a pretty vile bunch who – apart from possibly Kimberly and Christopher – I could not bear to spend any more than ten minutes with. Helen is quite possibly the angriest woman in television. She takes everything personally, and her only way of reacting is by shouting. Yes she is a bully, but she’s like one of those kids at school who are bullies and it turns our they’re getting knocked about at home. It seems she’s never had the chance to learn to argue in a reasonable and rational way. I see I was proved right with Ashleigh, who I predicted would either become televisual wallpaper or else turn into a bitch, and she is proving to be the latter. Although I do think BB threw her under the bus the other day by showing Helen, Jale and Kimberley all the things she’d be saying about them.
 

As for the guys, most of them are okay. Mark has the most annoying accent ever, but he’s lovely. He so funny and it will always puzzle me why someone who is mixed race would have a spray tan. I am mixed race myself and I can’t say it is something I would consider! Christopher is probably the most reasonable and normal person in the house. Little Chris is a bit strange, but I could cope with him. Winston, Ash and Marlon could seriously be Derek Zoolander’s roommates (this review is very ‘Zoolander‘-tastic today) Then we have Steven. This guy and his relationship with Kimberley seriously scares the sh!t out of me. I even found the sight of them having sex scary, rather than amusing. It’s like he coerces her into things – making her blame herself for everything that goes wrong. They have been ‘together’ for five weeks and already he’s ticking several boxes on that checklist currently being given to young girls for them to see if their boyfriend is at risk of hitting them. Hard being in the house, but once they’re out, Kimberley should run for the hills.
 

This isn’t a vintage series of ‘Big Brother‘. There aren’t enough characters in the house and most of the drama revolves around arguing. I reckon once it’s finished, I will have forgotten all the people within a week. Except of course when Steven and Kimberley are on ‘Jeremy Kyle‘ because he’s demanding a lie detector test!