THAT WAS THE BOX – March 2015 (Week Two) | TV Reviews


Find the latest TOWIE TV Reviews - The Only Way Is Essex 2015 ITV
 

THE ONLY WAY IS ESSEX‘ (ITVBE – ITV PLAYER)
 

This week’s shenanigans began with the gang doing some aerobics in stilettos for some reason. Bobby worked heels really well, but I have no idea what dancing in stilettos has to do with International Women’s Day. But that was what Gemma had organised in order to celebrate. We also had a party where women were served by ‘hot’ guys in tiny pants, because according to Ferne, that’s what being a feminist is all about (Germaine Greer got it wrong all the time).
 

In the meantime, Chloe Sims has isolated herself by being a bitch to everyone, and it transpires this week, Charlie her brother has left ‘TOWIE’ and dumped Ferne and Chloe in the process. I can’t say I blame him; he was like a rose between two thorns with hair extensions.
 

Also in ‘TOWIE‘;
 

  • We have a new hottie in the form of Jake, who looks like Tom Hardy playing a jockey. He seemed nice at first, flirting with Lauren Pope and asking her out. But once his on/off girlfriend Chloe L arrived, he turned into a proper git and denied kissing Lauren and was just generally vile. Not keen on him.
  • Chloe, however, seems lovely, and she looks like a beauty queen from the 1970s.
  • I think Lydia is being sponsored by Horrid Lipsticks Inc. In every scene she was wearing some vile colour that did not suit her.
  • Arg is still a rubbish actor and looks the whole time was if he’s struggling to remember what he’s supposed to say.
  • I have decided Tommy Timmy Mallet is Albert Steptoe playing Joey Essex.
  • Everyone seemed to cry in this week’s episodes, but I’m not quite sure why they do that blotting their tears away with the pads of their fingers. Just get a bloody tissue.
  • New guy Dan E doesn’t say much, he just grins and for some reason I expect him to suddenly say “I Love Lamp”.
  • There was too much Fran in these episodes. She didn’t say much, but I had to look at her old lady face.

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    Find the latest TV Reviews - Poldark 2015 BBC1
     

    POLDARK‘ (BBC1 – BBC IPLAYER)
     

    What to say about ‘Poldark‘. I don’t recall the original, but I do remember vaguely that Robin Ellis, the guy who played Ross Poldark, became a heart-throb, and unless the women of the UK have lost their minds, it’s obvious the same will happen to Aiden Turner who plays our hero. To be honest, there was a plot – Poldark returns to Cornwall after fighting in the American War of Independence to find his father has squandered his inheritance; and Elizabeth, his true love, has married his dippy cousin who looks like a young Lord Grantham from ‘Downton Abbey‘. But to be honest, the whole thing could have just been subtitled ‘Isn’t Cornwall and Aiden Turner beautiful?’. There were lots of lingering shots of the gorgeous Cornish coast, and Poldark smouldering and looking hot, and that was about it. I know we’re supposed to want Poldark to be reunited with Elizabeth, but there was more sexual chemistry between him and Demelza, the feisty tomboy he rescues after some scoundrels set upon her dog, than there ever was between him and Elizabeth who looks a little bit like Felicity Jones.
     

    Of course, I could take the moral high ground and say the whole thing was gratuitous and aimed at the same sort of women who were probably first in the queue to see ‘Fifty Shades of Grey‘, but then again, us women have had decades of being nothing but sex objects and just there to ‘pretty the place up’ a bit, so who can complain about a bit of Sunday night eye candy? What’s the alternative? Turn over to ‘TOWIE‘ and Bobby and his cock sock?

     

    Read the latest TV reviews - Nurse (Paul Whitehouse) BBC 2
     

    NURSE‘ (BBC2 – BBC IPLAYER)
     

    New comedy starring Paul Whitehouse, playing a variety of characters visited by a psychiatric nurse, Liz, played by Esther Coles. There was no laughter track, and at times it played out more like a drama than a comedy, not dissimilar to Ricky Gervais’s ‘Derek‘.
     

    Whitehouse plays Maurice, an elderly Jewish man who pesters Liz when she is trying to deal with her actual client, an elderly West Indian lady. There is morbidly obese Graham who lives with his mother. A guy who is clearly depressed and slightly dangerous, and is bullied by his friend played by Simon Day. Rosie Cavilero plays a woman living in a filthy house with cats covering every surface. Then there is Ray, a former glam rocker, whose drug addiction has left him manic and talking too fast and constantly about himself. There was an elderly lady who lived with her son (Whitehouse), and drove him mad by constantly repeating that she once danced for the Queen Mum, when she was seven. The most poignant character for me was an elderly man called Herbert, who was suffering from schizophrenia and was reluctant to have his medication because the voices in his head were the only company he had.
     

    Nurse‘ was a dark comedy, and not one that you’re going to watch if you want belly laughs or to be taken away from your troubles. The only problem for me was that we have reached saturation point with Whitehouse playing a variety of characters in the Aviva adverts, and at times ‘Nurse‘ felt like an extended version of one of these.

     

    Enjoy the Latest TV Reviews - The Great British Sewing Bee 2015 BBC2 - Finalists
     

    THE GREAT BRITISH SEWING BEE‘ (BBC2 – BBC IPLAYER)
     

    We have reached the final, and it was difficult to call it between Lorna, Matt and Neil. While Neil has been consistently good, he did have a tendency to show off and put too much on himself. Lorna has always come second, and Matt sort of flew under the radar a bit.
     

    Their first challenge was to create an asymmetric, draped top, using a Japanese pattern that looked like the Spandau Ballet logo. There were no clear instructions and they had to work it out for themselves. We also got to see the friends and family of the finalists and I discovered that Lorna’s son is Guy Garvey from Elbow (okay he’s not but he looks like him). Naturally, Neil was the first one to master it, and did indeed win that challenge, so it looked as though he was romping ahead to the finish.
     

    Then came the alteration challenge. Their brief was to make another garment out of a Grecian style, pleated dress, and whilst Lorna made a fantastic Japanese-inspired dress that looked as though it had come off the catwalk of London Fashion Week, and Matt made a pretty dress with a wave like bottom, Neil crafted a mini skirt with straps that were attached to anklet things. It truly was horrific and left everyone speechless, and in my opinion, by doing this, he blew the whole competition.
     

    The final challenge was to make an avant garde dress for their own live model, in Neil and Matt’s cases, their wives and in Lorna’s case, her niece. Matt went for a couture-inspired outfit which sounded crazy on paper, but was spectacular once worn by his wife. Lorna aimed for a red carpet worthy dress with tulle and lights (Gypsy Wedding-tastic). She gave up on the lights and ended up making a very pretty dress, but it wasn’t exactly avant-garde. Neil wanted to make something inspired by his time fighting in Afghanistan (insert your own Clarkson style joke about a Burka here) and aimed for a weird dress with different fabrics and a military style badge attached. It was as horrible as it sounds and by then it was obvious it was between Matt and Lorna. In the end Matt won, and the disappointment that Neil let himself down, filled the air. But it was nice to see all the old contestants, and I’m certainly looking forward to the next series (nothing to do with Mr Grant).

     

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